It’s winter. I’ve been in a funk. My daughter says it’s Seasonal Depression. But if I may be honest, life has tested my tenacity the last couple of months. It has been one near trauma after another, my girls were in a terrible accident over Christmas, the sudden loss of my beloved Aunt on New Years Eve, and the usual aftershocks that follow major life trauma. The hits as they say, seem to keep a comin. I’m weary.  It has all compiled and thrown my Crohn’s into overdrive, so on top of the emotional stress, there is the physical pain to now endure. I’m weary. Did I mention that? This isn’t me. I am The Rock! The rubber cement that holds it all together! But I’m weary.

In an effort to pull myself out of my latest midlife funk. I’ve started looking inside. Digging deep so to say, trying to listen to the Universe, what are you telling me. This is one of those times where I would walk into a church, and ask God for guidance. What path do I take. I’m lost, help me. Today, a little light crept in. I’m beginning to realize this isn’t a seasonal funk, but more of a seasonal regret. Yes the Season of my life at the moment. You see, I’m at the point in midlife, where you start to regret all the things you didn’t do. All the languages you wished you’d learned, not going to college, or joining the military, not reaching your potential, wasted time, fear that you allowed to control you, just all of it. Except here’s the thing, the very profound thing, if one turn, one decision was made differently along the way, one twist of fate, my path would be different, and I wouldn’t have the greatest blessings in my life. My beautiful children, my amazing husband and our life and all of it’s adventures. And for these I regret nothing. They have been my most amazing life adventure. So what if I can’t speak 3 languages. Sometimes when you have to pause and look deep inside, two things can happen, you will let regret consume you and win, or   You will find your grateful again. Today, I found the latter. Gratitude is the path out of the dark.

Life, you have tested me. It’s not the first time, I’m certain not the last. But I will not let you allow regret to ever win. Seasons will change, the fog will lift. And as my grandmother used to say “this too shall pass.” (Even if it feels like a kidney stone.)

Safe midlifeing.

M