It’s taken me a few days to get the courage to write this post. This is a topic no one wants to discuss. But right now in the state of our society, we need to have this conversation more than ever. So I decided to open up and get as raw as possible.

A couple of days ago we lost another American Icon. Not to an accident, or Cancer or some other sudden undiagnosed illness, but to suicide. This one hits particularly close to home for me. Kate Spade was very close to my age, and this is on the heels of my own personal battle with severe anxiety/panic disorder and mild depression. I know the first thing we think when someone famous takes their own life, is “why.” They have it all. Like Robin Williams or Chris Cornell. How are they not happy? How did they get to this point. There was a time, when I would have been one of the people shaking my head. Sadly now, I understand why. Mental illness does not discriminate. No amount of money or success will protect you from it. Now don’t panic, I’m not suicidal. In fact, those people who know me, would shake their head in disbelief that I suffer with Mental health issues. From the outside, I’m kinda the intense, in your face, get shit done kinda girl. I am a Wonder Woman, a handle everything, Alpha female who can handle everything and is strong…until I’m not. I’ve been to the edge, and yes I understand how people can take their own lives.

You see, I didn’t know Kate Spade. I did and still do love her style and creativity, in fact on one of my first trips to NY, one of the first places I made a beeline for was her store in SoHo. I of course couldn’t afford anything (single mom) but It was still divine. But I don’t know what her daily struggle was, I don’t know what her triggers were, or what was the thing that pushed her over the edge. I wasn’t living her pain, but I can tell you, I have been living mine, so I will speak from my own experience.

For those of you who have been fortunate enough to never experience any form of mental health issue, first let me say, This is not something any of us can control! We can’t “shake it off” or “buck up” or “get it together ” or “just choose to be happy ” what you also may not realize is that there is pain. Physical, exhausting pain. But you still have to some how manage to function. Kate still ran her empire, Robin still made movies that made us laugh or cry, and Chris still made amazing music, I still work (occasionally) can entertain you with my wit and sarcasm, and run my empire (aka household). Meds can help, but only short term, it always breaks through, therapy will help, but it doesn’t take away the mental and physical exhaustion. You so desperately want to wake up feeling good and motivated and tackle the day, but then the anxiety, panic or depression creeps back in and takes over and you are overwhelmed. No matter how hard you try, it takes control of your day.

So I’ve decided to write this post, and really open up about my personal struggle and what a day for me is like. Hopefully, it will help someone relate, and maybe realize they are not alone, or need to be embarrassed, or think they are being weak. You’re not! Here goes…

First let me say, my anxiety/panic comes in spurts, usually after a health issue (mine is PTSD health related.) I have Crohns and have had a few emergency surgeries. My first panic attack was in 2003 after my diagnosis. I didn’t know it was a panic attack, I just felt like I was going to pass out all of a sudden and couldn’t breathe. I went to the doctor and was put on meds and was fine. After a few months, I got off of the meds, and didn’t experience another one until 2007. The latest episode started a few months ago. I’ve been pretty consistently sick for the past year. This one has been especially intense, and crippling. (Painful) I’m telling you this, so you understand most people with severe depression, fight it everyday their entire life. I have only endured it occasionally.

So back to a day in the life of me. I can wake up and will either feel okay, or slightly anxious. This can be, a headache, sweaty, nauseous, heart palpitations, dizziness, shaky, skin crawling, weakness, dry mouth, complete inability to concentrate or hold a conversation, and so on. I will take half of an anxiety pill, to calm down enough to be able to function and get dressed. I will either go to work, where it is a struggle because it is sensory overload, and the feeling of being trapped which is a huge trigger for me, or I’ll go run errands, because being in the house causes more anxiety so I have to get out. But then being away from home is overwhelming.

The basic act of going to the grocery is a chore. Say I need to get milk, we all know that is strategically placed all the way in the back of the store, for me this can trigger a panic attack because it’s too far away from the door, heart palpitations, sweating palms, can’t breathe will ensue. So I generally stick to smaller stores. FORGET the mall, long lines anywhere, lines that are cattle chutes, security at the airport is a nightmare, in fact airports and being trapped in a cramped plane, those are double med days.

I can literally be feeling okay one minute and be standing in line somewhere and my palms start to sweat. Other triggers for me are being stuck in traffic, going out to eat at restaurants, any sort of obligation, a meeting, a party, a function, etc, being in the middle of nowhere traveling, not having a hospital nearby, driving on a busy interstate, roads without emergency lanes…etc. I’m sure you see the pattern here. Oh did I mention we love to travel, and all of these things are required to do so. (Double med days) oh and frankly not having meds is a huge trigger. Gotta love that one.

This is all exhausting. I mean, painfully exhausting. You just want it to end, you’re praying for the mental breakdown to come, that will maybe cleanse you in some way and make it stop. But the tears never seem to come. It’s because it’s usually not about tears. That would be to easy, you generally cry over specific reasons, but there’s nothing specific or reasonable about any of this.

So that’s me right now. My husband is trying to be supportive and doing a great job. I know it’s hard for him, because he is not someone who has ever experienced this, and is really a shake it off kind of guy. But I’ve been trying to educate him, and he has been doing his own research and is starting to understand things a little clearer. Like this is a real thing. Not just someone not being able “to handle things”

If you are reading this and you’re rolling your eyes, thinking “Whatever, grow a pair!” Just stop! You’re being an asshole. I know, I used to be you! You need to be understanding and compassionate and patient and concerned and most of all kind. Remember it could be you one day.

If you’re reading this and are relating to any of it, then I urge you to talk about it. Don’t be ashamed or afraid of being judged. Talk to someone, take the meds, do the therapy, Hell, talk to me if you need to. I would tell you to be strong, but I already know you are…you got out of bed this morning.

Lastly, Mental Health awareness needs more than a month of awareness! Yes I’m looking at you May! It needs our awareness everyday. It is the catalyst for so much of the horrendous acts happening in our world today. We can’t brush it off or ignore it because it doesn’t personally affect us anymore.

So you see, standing at the edge has made me understand, how people can step off of it. No matter how much they have going for them, or how much money they have. None of it matters when your soul is in pain. For those souls who have lost their battle, I pray they have finally found peace, and that their loved ones can find peace knowing they are no longer in pain.

RIP Kate.

M.

#katespade

#mentalhealthawareness