The real life adventures of a Creole Gypsy

I read an article today, well, let’s face it, Covid times have me reading a lot of articles lately. But this one in particular hit home. With all the down time of empty nesting and quarantine, I tend to get “in my head” a bunch, like I’m sure a lot of us do lately. Sometimes that’s a dangerous place to spend too much time. Especially for those of us who have lead “colorful” lives. One of the recurring themes of self deprecation on a spin around the nucleus of my brain is parenting regret. Certainly I am not the only person who gets stuck on this particular track. It’s a doozy with many tentacles that sprawl out in so many directions. (Insert anxiety attack here.) I’m actually navigating one of these trips now. This one has me triggered pretty bad, so I’m actually writing this to center myself, help me focus, move on and frankly calm the F down!

You see, I never viewed myself as overly “maternal” I didn’t lose my shit when a baby walked into a room, or long for a family as soon as my ovaries awakened in adolescence. I mean I adore my children, but honestly I’m probably still Meh, about kids in general. I always secretly thought to myself during my child raising years, who in the Hell thought it would be a good idea to put me in charge of humans? I’m way to cynical and impatient for this. Having said this, I’m sure you can guess I was not a coddle mom. I wasn’t a fawn over them when they fell…I was the shake it off cause I told you not to do it in the first place, the I’m not taking you to the ER if you get hurt doing that, the I said NO, don’t ask me again! Yes I was a spanker, not a time out mom. Most of my child rearing years I was a single mom. (Divorced by my choice. That’s a whole other blog!) So I had to find the balance between nurture and fear…this is where the latent self doubt comes in. All the regret floods in at this weak spot. Was I present enough? Was I too hard on them, Have I completely ruined them emotionally and they don’t know it yet?

My kids are all successful and what seems well adjusted on the surface (I hope.) We have what I consider an amazing adult child parent relationship. (This was always important to me for reasons I won’t discuss.) They will tell me I was awesome and amazing and supportive. I never saw myself that way. I’m grateful they did. Still I wonder…

I was accused of being a mean mom, and picking on certain kids more than once in my parenting career. Now that they have their own families, (successfully navigating adulthood I might add.) I hope they see that parenting is hard. Some kids require a little bit of a stronger hand than others. It’s not that you don’t love them, you are harder on them because you do. Every parents ultimate goal is raise decent humans who meet their full potential in life. Sometimes that requires a Mean Mom.

So if you’re reading this and it hits home, drop me a little thumbs up of support, I could definitely use it right now. All of my “Meanie” moms (and dad’s) unite. Remember, we’re all just doing the best we can assembling these human units that came without the damn manual.

Stay mentally healthy and safe everyone.

Wash your hands.

Wear a mask.

Check on each other.

M. 😉